#selfdevelopment #selfimprovement #relationship Our desire to change people can be very strong, but it can also become unhealthy and stressful when we try to change people who fundamentally don’t want to change. Of course, we all have expectations about how people should act and the kind of relationships we want to have throughout our lives. If someone insults you and treats you disrespectfully, you’re probably going to have a negative reaction to them. It’s completely normal to sometimes want to change people so that they better meet our expectations. And we know from psychology that people are malleable in many different ways, through things like behavioral nudges, viral marketing, and social persuasion. Often the deeper our personal relationship with someone, the more that person will be willing to listen to what we say and follow our advice, especially if they really respect and trust you. However, there is another element of human psychology that is rarely talked about, but always taken for granted: individual choice. If it’s true that everyone has a sense of choice and willpower, then it’s also true that we can only change people to a limited degree. We notice this in our everyday life. We’ve all experienced moments when we try to change something about someone – “Hey, you should try exercising more or eating less junk food!” – but they actively resist it. No matter how good our advice was or how nice we tried to be, the other person simply didn’t want to listen. A person may even purposely not change just to rebel against you – to prove their own sense of independence. Our desire to change people is something to be mindful of, because it can often backfire on you if you’re not careful. You can have the best intentions in the world and all the knowledge to help a person, but if they aren’t willing to change then your efforts will ultimately be in vain. And when we try to change something that we don’t have control over, it can often become a great source of stress and disappointment. We end up blaming ourselves for not being able to “help someone” or “save someone” when really it was outside of our power all along. Therefore, we need to know when it’s appropriate to let go of this desire to change others when it may become too toxic and destructive. To motivate someone to create a lasting change in themselves, you have to first and foremost respect their freedom and autonomy. That sometimes means letting them continue to make the same mistakes because they have to learn on their own. This is something that can be hard to watch, but necessary for true self-growth and self-improvement. always frame your advice as an idea or suggestion, and never tell people they absolutely need to do something. It’s ultimately their life at the end of the day, not ours. One problem is that a lot of people who seek help really just want quick fixes and magic solutions. They don’t usually want to put in the time and work, because change can be hard, and even painful. Unfortunately, it’s difficult if not impossible to change people like this, because they aren’t willing to accept the responsibility to make that change, and that’s a prerequisite. No one can change what they don’t first take responsibility for. For some people, you can tell them step-by-step what they should do and share tips that have worked for you in the past, but they will never find the motivation to follow your guidance. It reminds me of the classic proverb…“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Our “power” or “control” over others is limited. And it’s important not to be too hard on ourselves when we can’t change everyone for the better. Before anything, we should be responsible to ourselves, and maybe through our example we can inspire others to change in positive ways too.